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:永远的痛:

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I'm seeking for death
Dad,
The memories of you and I, was here.....in my heart.
Today i have a really bad day.
I really have had enough.
I really tolerate enough.
My heart is broken ; my soul left me long time ago...
I am 100% anti-social - that's the main reason why this 18 years of mine, i have so little friends.
I once tried very hard to be sociable, but i failed.
Because of the experiences i had, i know how to see people's character.
Bad friends and good friends.
I am too good to differeciate this.
I lost trust.
I lost confidence.
I lost my heart.
And now,...i lose you.
I do envy people in polytechnic have big bunch of friends..how i wish i can be them, but i just can't.
People do not accept who i am, nor i do accept people for what they are.
This 18 years, i have been through all these hard times, but it's when i have your love.
I was being betrayed by my bestest friends.
I was being betrayed by my first boyfriend.
I was always the one being neglected in class.
Always the one being neglected .......
Do i really look invisable? Dad?
Why don't you just come and take me away with you.
Life in this World isn't that good.
Isn't good at all.
I hated my school.
I hated my life.
I hated my fate.
I hated everything.
Suicidal is the best choice i can make.
But i can't leave mum alone.
I can't bear to.
Dad, help me..
Come back..
..

我爱你 froze in time on 7/24/2008 06:32:00 PM

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Day 2 of 49 / Day 2 of 100
Today is the last day of my dad's funeral.
He's ash is now place in the temple, same as my grandfather.
Today we sent him off about 10am + at mandai.
Today will be the last time i see my dad face to face, i'll never be able to see him in my life anymore.
Till now, i still can't believe my dad is gone.
From today onwards...
Nobody will talk about history with me ;
No warm hugs from daddy;
No more chance to call lao pa! ;
No one protect me when korkor bully me.

For 2 days I haven really been at home.
Now sitting at our sofa, every corners of the house reminds me of you.
Dad, you know the scariest distance between you and us ... is the World we live in is different.
Dad, how are you?
How is the place you are in?
Can you see or hear us?
Can you feel how much we missed you?
Do you still feel pain?

Sorry that we didn't cry while we're at your wake.
We are pretending to be strong.
Pretending to be strong so that mum will not fall.
Fall into depression
I am so tired.
I missed the times when you hold my hand tight.
You know what Dad?
Grandma cried so bitterly today ; so do i.
Today when we're picking your bones, i really can't believe that i am actually holding yours bones.



Dad, you know what... nothing can ever ever replace you in my heart. You're my sweetest dad ever.
How i wish our fate is longer.
Never mind, hope that next life, we'll be father & daughter.
I love you dad..


My heart is bleeding.
A scar that can never be remove.

我爱你 froze in time on 7/22/2008 07:27:00 PM

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Day 6, saddest moments of my life.
12.16am of my time, the nurse from the hospice just called.
My dad passed away ... 20 July 2008 12.16am.
About 10 minutes ago, she told us my dad's breathing is slowing down.
Now, my dad passed away.
Good that he finally get away from suffering and pain..
The bad news.. i lost my dad. Today... phew, i remember during 2pm+ - 6.15pm, my mom, korkor and me was with him, he was coughing and coughing,the last sentence i told him was..., tml we'll come see you again dad, now are going home,okay? bye -bye. ..
I don't know why, after receiving this call, i don't feel anything...i didn't cry nor .... i don't know.
No matter what i will not forget you dad,rest in peace.

我爱你 froze in time on 7/20/2008 12:19:00 AM

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Day 5, saddest moments in my life.
I never visit my dad today, but i got nothing much to update,because he already reached the worst state of cancer.. SOBS. suan le, it's fate.
Today before my IT web lesson starts, i went to school's library to spent my remaining 1 hour of break time.
I read this book and fell in love with the beautiful photos taken in Indonesia.
Haha, so i borrowed this book just to tell my bf which part of Indonesia i want to go, mainly Sumatra, the place where he lived, their beaches is really beautiful, i want to go Bali too! Go for some scuba diving....woo, shuang,hehe.Hope that i can go this coming september holidays!!! Yeah, awaiting.
After school i waited for my bf and actually we wanted to catch Hancock at PlazaSingapura, but...full seats. Too bad,not fate to watch my charming wills smith in action. Never mind, i die die must watch!! haha. I heard quite a number of people say this show kinda nice yeah? .. Today PS got Japan and Korea fair, but i didn't buy much things cos i am short of money.
My BF bought these for me instead, ehehe, it's a Japan blueberry burger and and something i adores most...Guess what??



I found CHOCOBI(Shin Chan's favorite snack) at PS Daiso, I didn't know they sell this too, as i have never see it the previous time i went there. COOL MAN, i didn't have to go Japan to buy this..... SOSOO Happy!!! hehe Crazy about shin chan.


I have been aim-ing this phone for quite a time,i want to buy!!! Should i ? Is it nice?







我爱你 froze in time on 7/19/2008 12:12:00 AM

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day 3, saddest moments in my life. 16July 2008's post.
I didn't manage to blog because yesterday i fell sick when i was on my way home, and my sweet bf was with me all along. I slept throughout the bus ride back to bedok, and his head keep knocking onto mine as he's also sleeping. He was being scolded by me because of the continously knocking, and in order not to knock me again he tried very hard to keep himself awake and let me sleep on his shoulder. HEE. Although i know he haven really have full recover from his flu, but after he send me back home, he still went to buy some congee,a bottle of honey aloe vera and my favourite sushi for me. So sweet huh. hee. After that he fell asleep at my sofa (=.=). Thanks for accompany the whole day my dear! hee.
So i didn't go visit dad because of this..but i heard mom said that his condition is still going down.
phew, i really don't know what to say..


Day 4, saddest moments of my life. 17/7/2008
haha, is it weird to blog this way?
Forget it.
Today's accounting was crap, it's not easy for me at all, perhaps, i haven been really study nor revising my work recently.
Today i skipped Oral Communication lesson and went to hospice to visit dad, he have been sleeping the whole day while i was there. Luckily by this morning my fever is gone, if not i can't even attend my accounting ICA 2. Scary.. I hated to fall sick.
Dad, we need miracle! .

我爱你 froze in time on 7/17/2008 09:31:00 PM

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Day 2, saddest moments in my life.
Yesterday afternoon about 2.40pm my mom call me while i was doing my Econs project ( so sorry to my group). She said my dad's is in bad condition so ask me to go down take a look. When i reach there, i saw my 2 gugu (my dad's sisters) crying bitterly, i thought what have happen, i went in to talk to dad, he was unable to talk to me, but he can hear me, he still response to what i have said. He keep struggling to keep his eyes open...than after awhile my brothers came, my kor told me, dad seems to be dying. I can't hold my tears, so i went to the toilet to cry. When everyone was at my dad's side , my uncle ( dad's younger bro) keep saying, :" you may rest in peace, follow the buddha, all your children have grown up, you may let go "
I keep thinking,
"What if my dad is stil able to live, it's seems like wanting him to die early, CHOY! Touch Wood. "
My dad keep ah -ahiing, seems like want to voice out, but he just couldn't speak as he got too much flame in his throat. Hais, anyway, luckily nothing happened to him.. phew.
I love you dad!

我爱你 froze in time on 7/16/2008 11:52:00 AM

Monday, July 14, 2008

Day 1 of the saddest moment in my life.
This morning the hospice's nurse call my mom to tell her that my dad have been shift to room 12 ( The single bed-room = for people who can't make it one.) as his condition is worsen. Yesterday i went to visit my dad, he said he can't see us, he can only hear us, but his hair is growing slowly, that's the only good thing i can say, afterall he lost all his hair when he dignosed brain cancer.
I am very depress of course, my mum have been arranging his funeral while he's still living, i know he will pass away anytime, but i really want it to happen so fast, i just couldn't accept the fact that i am losing my own dad when i am 18....no not even 18. I guess i will celebrate my birthday without him this year. He just can't wait for me, but i won't blame him, cos he didn't want that to happen too, but too bad he's fate to go, god want to bring him away from us..what can i do.
I just hope that he can be happy, i just want him to happy.
Man, donate some money to me ~ hehe

我爱你 froze in time on 7/14/2008 12:38:00 PM

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

想回到过去
我想回到过去。。。
Why this sentence never leave me...
How i wish i can stop the time...
How i wish i can hold on to you forever....
How i wish...my wish will ever come true.....
Life have been perfect for me....always...until you fall down, and giving up..
Why me?... Why you?......

The warm hands of yours...
The big hug you gave me when i was down..
The praises i always heard from your voice..
Why...ever since you forgave me for making a big mistake, you have been treating me so well.
I felt so guilty and regretful.
I have not been a good daughter...

I remember the days u always wake me up in the morning, and we had breakfast everyday together..
You'll send me to school everyday..
You always send me to where ever i want to go..no matter how tired you are..
Why i didn't thought that you're tired already....
If i didn't make you angry..
If i didn't make you tired.. .... maybe you might not be like this....

My blog is full of you.
My mind is full of our memories..either happy or sad.. all here.
I can't stop my tears to drop whenever i think of you.
I lost my smiles because of you..
It's tired to be strong.
It's tired to bear....
I have tried to make you happy...have i done not enough?
Why are you giving up........?
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*I will always keep this in my mind ..
What you have told me today..2/6/2008 4pm+
(He hold my hand to him) Dad :" Qianru, i....can't wait for youu...."
Myself : What do you mean??
Dad : Time.....


I know you are in pain, and it not only physically but also mentally..
I know you are giving up...
I really don't know what else to say.....
Sorry dad, i am not a good daughter.*

Some say, life is full of ups and downs.
Mine is up, down,down,down,down,down and down.
I fell down.
And i never want to pick myself up again.
Never.
I hated being myself.

我爱你 froze in time on 7/02/2008 08:32:00 PM


__________________

This is me
`I'M 19
`D.O.B : 09Nov90
`Graduated from BNSS
`Studying In NYP (2nd Yr)
`Diploma of Business Management(Retail)
`In a relationship

'I have lost someone who means a lot to me, from that day, I've been alone in my journey to future. Living in despair, the only reason to live is to fulfill my promises to him.

This Heart is dead ever since.*20.07.2008*

**..His Last Smile..**
> .さ。よ。な。ら
______________________

I just like it!
1. Money!
2. BF
3. Family
4. Handphones
5. Sports =/
_____________________

The Band I'm In Love With
Mayday 五月天
My one and only
Nohara Shinnosuke
__________________

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