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:永远的痛:

Thursday, March 26, 2009

"What really makes me happy?"
I have been thinking this sentence over and over again these few nights.
Till now, I found that my life have been down all the while.
My life have been perfect till 15. Even though I am not rich, not pretty,...not that kind of perfect that all the women/girls desires, but I have happiness. After that year, I live without a heart..till now..and still going on.
Can you believe,..I came out with no friends...i mean FRIEND from the school which i spent 5 years. Thanks to somebody. Ruin everything.
Ever since that person broke every one's heart. That day when truth leaked out. I lost my friends, I lost trust...and really, thanks to that damn person, I, DARE NOT make any friends anymore. No more. Cause now I believe, no friends = no heartbreaking moment.
People will ask me, why not forgive and forget. My answer was, she don't deserve any bit of my forgiveness, anyone may think that it's just a small thing, but I couldn't take it. Till now, it's still in my heart- that pain. I hate her for giving all these that I doesn't deserve, I hate you!
My first relationship started off well..but ended up like shit. My heart shattered for the second time. Then this time was when I realised how much my dad really loves me. Soon, I became Daddy's girl. In addition, this damn year, Dad was diagnosed with last stage of lung cancer. Freaking news to me.
"You know what dad? the scenes of you waking me up every morning seems like it had just happened few days ago. We had our breakfast together everyday, then you'll send bro and me to school. Why, why the hell it's me, why you? Why?! We lived happily together. Why must god take you away? Leaving a permanent pain in me."

2007, I met my current boyfriend - not perfect and in the stage of going worse.
(Sometimes I wonder, how long can we hang on. I don't feel any love anymore.)
Then after a year or so, Daddy passed on, and that's the end of my World.
No one understands me like how dad does.
I feel intense pain every time I think of him.
I regretted a lot.
I tried very hard to be strong because having swollen eyes everyday wasn't fit me, but I just couldn't stop the tears from falling...he's just too important to me.
How can I ever be happy ever again, why can't daddy just bring me along to wherever you go, I am freaking DEPRESSED do you know? I have been suppressing the pain for too long. Jeff just doesn't understand what I really wants. He just don't. I ... have no more space in my heart to keep all this shits. NO MORE.
Stop killing me.
I am feeling down.
Exhausted.


我爱你 froze in time on 3/26/2009 11:20:00 PM


__________________

This is me
`I'M 19
`D.O.B : 09Nov90
`Graduated from BNSS
`Studying In NYP (2nd Yr)
`Diploma of Business Management(Retail)
`In a relationship

'I have lost someone who means a lot to me, from that day, I've been alone in my journey to future. Living in despair, the only reason to live is to fulfill my promises to him.

This Heart is dead ever since.*20.07.2008*

**..His Last Smile..**
> .さ。よ。な。ら
______________________

I just like it!
1. Money!
2. BF
3. Family
4. Handphones
5. Sports =/
_____________________

The Band I'm In Love With
Mayday 五月天
My one and only
Nohara Shinnosuke
__________________

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